shes doing laundry in a solitary sort of way.

and its a little nerve wracking. but shes getting her room pretty clean, which could be a first significant attempt.

tonight i am alone in the house. in this big ol house! its a little scary. but i am attracted to it a little as well. ive found myself watching hard core chick flicks in between doing loads of laundry and sweeping my room. i should probably go to sleep soon, but im toward the end of the laundry streak and i hate to stop things before they are done. like books, when i read a book for a class i like to just sit and read it all in one sitting. or scarves. when i crochet a scarf i dont like to put it down i like to finish it all at once. most times i am forced to stop. or i tear out the majority of it the next day because its so unevenly messy. so, you know what will probably happen. in an hour i will be asleep on the couch, then tomorrow i will wake up late, having slept half the day away because i ignored my phone alarm. then i will feel guilty. then i will feel like i shouldnt even make an attempt at the day at all because thats how my ocd comes out most times. if i cant get it started the way i planned then i dont know where to begin once i do get around to it. thats definately something i need to work on.

most people just walk into class late if they ahve overslept. i.... i just dont go to class. even if its just five minutes. something in me says no. so instead of facing my most probably self inflicted humiliation of walking into class a few minutes late [im shy... i dont like to be the center of attention] i instead miss class altogether, and probably the next one too. i mean... just dig the grave a little deeper while youre at it right?

so earlier today i was thinking about life. okay lets narrow that one down. i was thinking about how in just one week two people on the outskirts of my extended family have died and their death involved either drugs or alcohol, or both. it kind of brought a little closer to reality how precious a gift each day is. and how we really should live each moment as though we wont have the next. but im not very good at that, i think its a disguise for being lazy. anyway, i immediately wanted to call a cousin whom i have some how gotten myself into some sort of awkward arguement with. i dont really know how to fix it. im caught in between trying to be an adult while being my own individual and making everyone realize that they have to accept me for who iam, and just folding over and giving in to being this person that denies the true self i want to be. argh. and to think... it all started about a tattoo. but i know it goes deeper than that. i just dont know how to fix it. and i suppose part of me is scared of the process. i guess i feel like i should be apologizing but im not real positivejust what for. because another part of me feels like apologizing would be saying okay, i will stop being myself because you dont approve of it, just let me mold myself into this politically correct christian for ya... hang on, it will only take a few minutes im sure.

wow i feel like this should be entitled "dear diary"

so yeah, ive got myself wanting to live...
with blunt honesty. [about myself, and my actions]
with sincerity and compassion. [towards others]
with joy and thanking God for another breath.
with wisdom that i can see through myself to what God really wants me to be doing with myself.

yeah - i need some serious work.

B is for believing you; always be here for me.
E is for everything, even when we see it through
C, c is for seeing through you, you are a fake,
which brings me to A because,
because, you always run away.
I never finish phrases, I misspell.
Open arms are prison cells.
When I said, "I hate what I've become"
I lied, I hated who I was.
So when you start to wonder 'bout the pain in my throat,
Well don't you ever, no never, ever, speak for someone you don't know.