she finds herself surprised.

to realize that the day was unexpectantly pleasant.

after a complete and total gut wrenching bottom of the polluted pit of despairingly deppressed sort of week, there was finally a break in the dark clouds. this week was truly miserable. i dont think there is even a dark adjective to describe it. i utterly despised myself this week. i hated what i was doing to myself and yet i kept living it.

i knew i was ignoring people this week, ignoring myself even. it was as though the devil [and in the heart of it i felt i was his target.... thats how wretched i felt] had spurred up these empty feelings and then i just continued into this downward spiral without figuring out how to pull myself back out all week long.

anxiety. ive learned i hate that word. its a word ive grown far too familiar with. stress is for beginners. i think i have acknowledged that ive moved past that. no more baby steps. its full fledged anxiety.

philosophy 101. ugh. that word stirs up acid in my stomach upon sight. im pretty sure its to take the credit for my discovery of the realm of anxiety i was capable of.

but thats enough of that. because today was a day of breaking free. its felt like saturday all day long. even though i had class this morning. who knows whats up with that. i even almost forgot that i had work to be a part of today. thank goodness it indeed wasnt forgotten. oh what a mess that would have been. i hate it when i forget things, especially when its about being somewhere important. people thinking you are a slacker is just no fun.

so, today; after all the self hatred and abuse i have put myself through... somehow i was able to be hopeful. it happen about midway through the day. i was running just enough minutes late to work to just make me worried i would be late, enough to make me anxious that traffic was heavy, enough to feel hurried. it was then, after i had rushed through my car and made quick decisions instead of taking too many minutes to debate the options of things like sweetened creamer or half/half and sugar for my coffee, that it dawned on me... that it had happen. my mind was clear. i felt like a huge burden had been freed from my vision. mind you the small army of a list of things ive had on my mind are probably just looming in the background, but this afternoon... was clutter free.

this evening, or late night actually, after work; i finished up the book ive been trying to read! wow.... what a dork that must sound like... ladies and gentlemen on a friday night this girl sat curled up on our couch after work with a cup of tea and a book. who would have guessed shes in college? i would have guessed a middle aged cat lady. go figure.

so i got to finish up Donald Miller's Searchinig for God Knows What. I think i liked this one more than Blue Like Jazz, but... Through Painted Desserts remains my favorite. Its been hard for me to finish this book, not because i didnt like it, but because i had so much reading to do for other stuff. By the time you get done reading, or halfway reading..., assignments for class, your eyes just refuse to follow the lines on a page even if its for your own enjoyment. So i think its taken me two months to get through this. Thats a seriously far fetch for the child that could lock herself away to read two R.L. Stine books/daily... back in the day.


Now comes the decision of what to spend my next two months neglecting then reading bits at a time... Items up for consideration include..... To Own a Dragon [Donald Miller, John MacMurray], Let Me Tell You a Story [Tony Campolo], or.. Jesus In The Margins [Rick Mckinley]

On starts this [incredibly so indecisive] girl's war; of personal decision making.

oh sad... i cant find lyrics for today. well, anyway the song has been... Colly Strings by Manchester Orchestra.