she says displace me

tonight. fifteen cities. over 60,000 people. together making a statement for those that cant speak for themselves.



http://www.invisiblechildren.com

she posts twice...three times in one day?!

she must have nothing better to do! ...ha... ha.
well at least im not just sleeping the day away.
and actually i wrote the first one yesterdayish and didnt finish it until today. so ha!.

and this is really more of a matter of i need some opinions on my actions that could take a turn for irresponsible... or could they?

it pertains to the video i posted below.

im not sure if you know what the invisible children campaign is but if you dont, its a campaign trying to raise awareness and support for the children that are/were being captured and made child soldiers for the militia in africa and then the children as well as families being displaced all over the place. well, they are having an event in atlanta (as well as several other cities all at the same time) this weekend and a group from bcm are going. from what i understand you go, take most importantly an open minded self, a liter bottle of unopened water, and a sealed package of saltines, oh and a sleeping bag as well as enough cardboard to make a 'tent' out of. i didnt realize how much i wanted to go until i started doing some more research on it online today.
they take the water and saltines and then redistribute them later in the night. oh, and everyone will watch videos and listen to speakers and write senators to raise awareness. all the while sleeping in sleeping bags inside a cardboard tent in atlanta with who knows how many other people.
so... i really want to go. and the more i think about it the more i want to go. but, as usual, and as is my response to everything in life, i have to work. so this is a serious one time experience. and i know people that are going... plus it will definitely be a psychological experience, technically it could be portrayed as something for school right? so... well im thinking of calling out of work so i can go. actually the more i think about it the more i convince myself its a good idea. plus, if i let them know early then they can fill my spot. acutally, there has been so many people at work lately, the other servers would probably be happy i wasnt there because it would mean more money for them.
so this is my dilemma. well, that and i have three presentations to do over the next couple days.

Invisible Children

she doesnt mind that shes not 'that kind' of girl

practically every male that i have come into contact with at work makes me ill. maybe i am living in my own little pea pod about life being here at anderson, but if this is what the rest of the world is like then it is just rediculous and im not so sure i want any part of it.

i havent had a boyfriend in a good while, and i can't say that i am loosing any sleep over that fact. i have become content with being single (for the most part) and definitely am not in search of some sort of attention from the opposite sex. i have to admit that this is not the first thing i think of when i wake up in the mornings or when i am deciding if i want to wear makeup or picking out my clothes for the day, its probably the farthest thing from my mind.

a combiation of things have made me start to think about this tonight. for one, i had a terrible experience with a table last night. i had a miserable section as it was and later in the evening a group of guys came in. they got put in a male servers section and they asked him if they could get a pretty female server instead. the server asked me first (which okay i will admit was in a way a compliment) and at first i thought no i dont need that, but then i thought what the hey, im not making much money tonight as it is. well.... i definitely get to the table and it is written across each one of their faces that i am not the girl they want. i should have just said hey if you dont want me i dont want you but i continued to serve them. in hopes of inspiring a good tip by my excessive filling of drinks and jabs at fun conversation. none of which went over well because they just looked at me like i was annoying them. to make a long story short, one guy must have felt bad because he left a decentish tip and the rest MIGHT have left five dollars between them. i was not very happy. also at the fact that they jabbed at my sensitive ego. when i complained one of my friends at work (whom okay happens to be a guy) was quick to point out to me that i should have known what kind of girl they were looking for and i just didnt look like that kind of girl.

that and other things... that always happen at work(and yes it dawns on me that this is really the only regular interaction i have with people outside of my immediate environment)... make me wonder if i am really ready for life outside of this little shell of existence i have built up. i know i can do it,but the question is how well can i do it. how do you interact with people, when you have and are working on your own moral attitudes/priorities/standards that dont agree with the way they feel? the ones that outright do the things that they may agree arent exactly good for you but they advocate doing it anyway. and i realize that im at a point where i dont do things because i grew up learning that it was wrong, i dont do them because i know for myself that its not what i want for myself and that as a christian i need to hold myself to certain standards that i want to stay loyal to. how do you tell someone that without outcasting yourself and making yourself seem like a prude; thus inevitably making things harder on yourself because you dont fit in with the group? i dont want to make them think im judging them or that i think im better than they are because i dont do drugs or go get drunk every night or go have sex with whomever i want, but i dont want them to think im nonchalant about it either.

but i suppose that this is the sort of thing christians have been dealing with all along isnt it, in more or not so many words.

I better rest my eyes
Cause I'm growing weary of
This point you've been trying to make
So rather than imply
Why don't you just verbalize
All the things that you're trying to say

Thought this would turn out so well
But I'm beginning to see
That instead it's trouble
Into a pattern we fell
Of prolonging the inevitable

Why don't you come right out and say it?
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say (come right out and say)
What it is you're thinking
Though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear
Relient K: Come Right Out and Say It

she hears 'life calling'

and she wants to go.
i am a little uneasy about advertising this information... because its kind of a big deal. and there is a lot of uncertainty involved, i suppose until the moment i step on a plane. but at least i can share with you my decision. this way then you only know that if it doesnt work out, i didnt back out of it but that my dreams were crushed because of a rejected application... ha.. ha.

but seriously. after some hardcore pros and cons lists and some serious considerations. ive thrown my hands in the air and practically screamed all systems go! i was sitting at a computer in the lab the other day and it just dawned on me. simple as can be, plain as day. the answer i have been looking for so intently.

i have decided to pursue a volunteer position with the peace corps.

now, let me break this down for you. this means that i have decided to fill out an application. this does not mean that i am guaranteed to leave the country. this also means that i have come to another small plateau about knowing myself/letting me be myself. however this does not mean that i have dismissed other options and am not aware that this is not set in stone.

it merely means that i have realized and accepted that i want something more for my life. and im going to try to take advantage of a possible opportunity.

more information to follow soon. but, i just had to share that i've finally found (or started listening to some) direction!

hmmm, yes. today was a good day indeed.
this song is awsome... thank you diana. you [the present reader of this blog] should check out the musical version.

Do I attract you? 
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile? 
Am I too dirty? 
Am I too flirty? 
Do I like what you like? 

I could be wholesome 
I could be loathsome 
I guess Im a little bit shy 
Why dont you like me? 
Why dont you like me without making me try? 

I try to be like Grace Kelly 
But all her looks were too sad 
So I try a little Freddie 
Ive gone identity mad! 

I could be brown 
I could be blue 
I could be violet sky 
I could be hurtful 
I could be purple 
I could be anything you like 
Gotta be green 
Gotta be mean 
Gotta be everything more 
Why dont you like me? 
Why dont you like me? 
Why dont you walk out the door! 

How can I help it 
How can I help it 
How can I help what you think? 
Hello my baby 
Hello my baby 
Putting my life on the brink 
Why dont yo like me 
[ these lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
Why dont you like me 
Why dont you like yourself? 
Should I bend over? 
Should I look older just to be put on the shelf? 

I try to be like Grace Kelly 
But all her looks were too sad 
So I try a little Freddie 
Ive gone identity mad! 

I could be brown 
I could be blue 
I could be violet sky 
I could be hurtful 
I could be purple 
I could be anything you like 
Gotta be green 
Gotta be mean 
Gotta be everything more 
Why dont you like me? 
Why dont you like me? 
Why dont you walk out the door! 

Say what you want to satisfy yourself 
But you only want what everybody else says you should want 

I could be brown 
I could be blue 
I could be violet sky 
I could be hurtful 
I could be purple 
I could be anything you like 
Gotta be green 
Gotta be mean 
Gotta be everything more 
Why dont you like me? 
Why dont you like me? 
Why dont you walk out the door!

Mika: Grace Kelly

she finds that big words may seem right but

dont always look good in papers. at least the research kind. just a little heads up for all you [probably 2] kids out there that will still have to write them. only the professor wont tell you that, he will tell you instead that you are being wordy. very very wordy. and for concisivness purposes you should cut it down. even if that means the length of your paper will decrease almost certainly and it will feel almost as though you are starting from scratch again to scramble to fill it.
yes, its so. i speak the truth. the yes it happen to me just recently and i just spent a long time at the library fixing it truth.

other than that this music i found that im listening to at the moment makes me feel like im in my own little movie. check it out: http://www.myspace.com/thealbumleaf

if you look carefully you could probably tell that i waste a very large quantity of my brain cells via myspace. its a problem that i recognize, and am more than ready to deal with, and yet i keep finding myself wandering around there... im not sure how that fits together.
kind of like how i started this thing of no sweets so i immediately went to ingles to buy sugar. ha. i mean, 'coffee' sugar. hello the world cannot rotate without a large tasty mug of sugary cream with a little brewed coffee mixed in. right? well, we needed sugar. well, now we need more. because i made cookies with the sugar i bought. wow, go julie, you got this sweet tooth thing under major control. its quite incredible at how quickly you can turn on your own decisions.

and i will now stop talking about myself in the third person because it is starting to creep me out.

a lot has happen over the course of the weekend. and this moment.
today i cleaned out my old files out of my email. well i mean, more has happen than that, thats quite boring news, but seriously.... there was stuff in there from 2003. thats pretty old. and pretty funny to read. especially if you were in high school and had a high school sweetheart, then its even funnier.

and rachel had a little accident today. actually i was standing in the front lawn talking on the phone (sorry i hung up so quickly grandma) when i hear screeching tires. no worries, rachel is fine and her car is too for the most part. she was just turning into our driveway and this high school ish looking age guy behind her chose to just plow on into her. she was already practically in the driveway. i mean the skid marks are right next to the curb. he was right behind her. and yes i saw the whole thing, but the cop wouldnt take my word on it because i know her. not that he needed my word, it was obvious what happen.
people are always being grumpy in their cars on that road in front of the school. not only do they tail us and refuse to back off when we slow down to pull into our driveway, i swear at least four people have very obviously sped up when they see me trying to cross the street. i mean good grief. just ... good grief.

well its late. and i should be in bed. my makeshift bed since our dryer went out and i [very ignorantly] hung my wet blankets outside on the back porch yesterday to dry and they got pollen all over them. way to go me.

although i did find this: [karrie bought me this shirt for christmas.... i think. christmas or my birthday. and i had forgotten the story behind it. anyway, i found it today, thought it was pretty person/timeframe appropriate.


Alone: Life almost always, and almost always to a fault, is made into a bigger disaster than it should be. Too often drama happens and we buy into it. We care what people think of us and their opinion of us owns our lives. Rather than doing what we want in life, we do what others want us to do in life. A wise person has said dance like no one is watching. To be yourself in this cruel world is a gift that can neither be bought nor sold. To not care about what others think is even more valuable in this world of bottom lines and deadlines.

[this one goes out to karrie][because i now realize why she loves this song so much]
She said I think I'll go to Boston
Think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
Where no one knows my name
I'll get out of California
I'm tired of the weather
Think I'll get a lover
And fly him out to Spain
I think I'll go to Boston
I Think that I'm just tired
I Think I need a new town
To leave this all behind
I Think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of a sunset
I hear it's nice in the summer
Some snow would be nice
Augustana: Boston

she loves books.

right now i am reading a book by Tony Campolo called Let Me Tell You a Story. its kind of funny how i came to start reading it actually. i think i got it from a book warehouse in pigeon forge over thanksgiving break, and yet its taken me this long to get to it. and the thing is i wouldnt have gotten to it yet had the book i was looking for on saturday decided fall into my clothing hamper and hide from me, forcing me to pick another to take to the park. its funny how some things work out. anyway, the book is a compilation of stories that Tony has either heard from others, read about, or experienced himself. this particular story is one that he experienced, and stood out enough for me that i wanted to share it with you.

sharing coffee

If you need some good stories, just come to Philadelphia and wander around the streets downtown. You will meet many wonderful people and have many varied experiences. You will certainly come away enriched by some strange encounters.
One day, about the noon hour, I was walking down Chestnut Street when I noticed a bum walking toward me. He was covered with dirt and soot from head to toe. There was filthy stuff caked on his skin. But the most noticeable thing about him was his beard. It hung down almost to his waist and there was rotted food stuck in it. The man was holding a cup of McDonald's coffee and the lip of the cup was already smudged from his dirty mouth. As he staggered toward me, he seemed to be staring into his cup of coffee. Then, suddenly, he looked up and yelled, "Hey mister! Ya want some of my coffee?"
I have to admit that I really didn't. But i knew that the right thing to do was to accept his generosity, and so I said, "I'll take a sip."
As I handed the cup back to him I said, " You're getting pretty generous, aren't you, giving away your coffee? What's gotten into you today that's made you so generous?"
The old derelict looked straight into my eyes and said, "Well... the coffee was especially delicious today, and I figure if God gives you something good, you ought to share it with people!"
I thought to myself, Oh, man. He has really set me up. This is going to cost me five dollars. I asked him, "I suppose there's something I can do for you in return isn't there?"
The bum answered, "Yeah! You can give me a hug!" (To tell the truth I was hoping for the five dollars.)
He put his arms around me and I put my arms around him. Then suddenly I realized something. He wasn't going to let me go! People were passing us on the sidewalk. They were staring at me. There I was dressed in establishment garb, hugging this dirty, filthy hum! I was embarrassed. I didn't know what to do. Then, little by little, my embarrassment changed to awe and reverence, I heard a voice echoing down the corridors of time saying "I was hungry; did you feed Me? I was naked; did you clothe Me? I was sick; did you care for Me? I was the bum you met on Chestnut Street... did you hug Me? For if you did it to the least of these, you did it unto Me."


another one of the stories in the book was about a large inner city church that had a popular soup kitchen on Sundays. as time passed the homeless coming into the soup kitchen made their way into the Sunday Service. some of the members of the church were uneasy sharing their pew with these people and a deacon asked if there could be a separate service for them. the pastor replied that he wanted everyone to have a fair shot at meeting Jesus face to face. the deacon agreed and said that they should have the same opportunities. the pastor then claimed, "I'm not talking about them, I'm talking about you!"

these stories made me wonder how many times i encounter Jesus and choose to ignore Him because i dont think i have the time or the energy to spend on Him. i would like to think that i take advantage of those opportunities but i know better.

No one told me
The right way
The right way to go about this
So I'll figure it out for myself
Cuz how much
Is too much
To give you
Well I may never know
So I'll just give until there's nothing else

Yeah I'll give give give (until there's nothing else)
Give my life (until it all runs out)
Give give (and I'll have no regrets)
I'll give until there's nothing left
I'll give

No one told me
How bad I need you (need you)
But I somehow arrived
To that conclusion all by myself (all by myself)
And I want
All you have to offer (to offer)
So I offer myself and I'll just give until there's nothing else

And I'll give give give (until there's nothing else)
Give my life (until it all runs out)

Give give (and I'll have no regrets)
I'll give until there's nothing left to
Give give give (until there's nothing else)
Give my life (until it all runs out)
Give give (and I'll have no regrets)
I'll give until there's nothing left

Sometimes it seems
Like all I ever do
Is ask for things
Until I ask too much of you
But that's not the way (that's not the way)
I wanna live (I wanna live)
I need to change (I need to change)
But something's got to give
Yeah something's got to

Give give give (until there's nothing left)
Give my life (until it all runs out)
Give give (and I'll have no regrets)
I'll give until there's nothing left to give
Give give give (until there's nothing left)
Give my life (until it all runs out)
Give give
Give until there's nothing left
I'll give
Relient K: Give until theres nothing left

she asks the question

who wouldn't want fried plantains and a cup of coffee for breakfast... i mean.. brunchish.
except that i just learned that diana and gillian are bringing back sushi from publix for lunch and i am definitely not known for passing up a sushi opportunity.

so ive had a few things on my mind that with the scheduling of my classes for next year and various other things, have decided to pop back up into my interest. but ive got a lot of thinking and a lot of praying and a year to figure out anything for sure.

i know ...a few things for sure [or for as sure as i can be] about myself:

~ after three years of struggling with a career path i am more than okay with pursuing occupational therapy. i feel like its very flexible, and fun, people involving, and very practical while still being interesting. you know how a lot of jobs that seem to have high practicality lack a little bit of that little something? okay maybe its just me and my daydreams. well, occupational therapy seems very practical [both in a sense of job security as well as more importantly for me: a way of helping others, ie: helping someone figure out how to cook themselves breakfast with the loss of an arm as opposed to... okay i dont want to go pointing fingers so no analogy] and it still [again at least for me] holds this fascinating aspect of having a common goal to work towad while being so fluid in the means to get there. and they can practically work anywhere with any population of people.

~another thing i am in the process of accepting about myself is that i get anxious with my surroundings. maybe thats not the right way to put it. i want to travel. i dont want to settle down anytime soon. also.... i want to do this n.o.w. go anywhere, do anything, just be open to opportunities.

i want both of these things. and i realize that pursuing grad school right after anderson is probably the more logical decision... but i dont think im satisfied with it. the thought of moving to oregon almost does it for me, and dont get me wrong i still have my sights set on portland... eventually. lately ive been thinking a lot about how i feel like my life is so planned for me right now, and i dont have much of a hand of control in it. like someone just handed me a sheet of printer paper with the instructions just do it and get it done written across it in blunt permanent marker, that is attached to a seven year planner of the years 2004-2011 which has been filled in with that same permanent black marker. okay so im getting at the fact that i feel like my life has been scheduled out. and i dont think that sits well with me. its not very flexible. dont get me wrong, i still want these things, but i dont think i want to take that same route.

keeping in mind that i have been thinking about this over and over and trying to figure out how i can get it to work for the past several... whatever many months, a few circumstances came to my attention recently which have made me only struggle harder with this possible choice.
~one being the fact that im going to peru in may. thats definitely going to be an eye opener and i cant wait to see whats waiting there and get involved in it. i think there are only three girls going this year so im also excited to be able to get to know both of them even better.
~this guy whose blog i read, travels constantly. he just went to uganda. i dont know much about the trip other than he went to hang out at this orphanage and take pictures of these kids (with polaroids that he left for them) he is very inspiring. his link is on the side of the page (longbrake)
~just since i came back from spring break i met a friend of one of the girl's im going to live with next year (jerusha) her name is hannah. and shes from germany. she was hanging out at our house while jerusha was in class and i invited her out for a walk. i learned that she was an exchange student to jerusha's house in high school and this past september she left her home to go to new zealand and australia, backpacking, staying in hostels, just traveling. when they were running low on money they (herself and a friend) worked picking fruit for a couple months. she left there to come to the us for a month before returning home. she alone inspired me greatly. because i got to hear first hand what it was like to travel like that.
~and of course there is jerusha herself, she spent much of childhood in the dominican and her sister still lives there. actually i think she is moving back after she graduates, or thinking about it rather.


all of these things have been bearing on my mind/entire being recently. and last night/this morning i spent proabably a lot longer amount of time than i am willing to admit on the peace corps website. reading stories, listening to stories, looking at the countries, and the job opportunities. plus i even found some information that its possible that for peace corps members upon coming back home to get reduced tuition for graduate school. hello! is it just me or does it sound like that is calling my name? from what i understand they train you here, send you somewhere suitable to your skills, pay for your tickets and give you a living allowance based on the area, then you earn vacation time to come back home, but other than that you are there two years, then they give you $6000 to transition back to the us when you are finished.
so last night i took the first step in emailing the closest recruiter, which happen to be in atlanta. and now i am awaiting anxiously a return email in my inbox. no one is aloud to freak out yet, i only emailed him to get more information and see what my chances are of being accepted (ive heard they are a bit strict) and see what i can do to increase my chances. then if i fill out an application it takes 9months to a year for the whole process to take place and for me to step on a plane. which would be perfect in my mind if i could leave mid to late summer next year.
who knows... im just waiting a return email now.

it makes complete sense to me now though. it seems like such an appropriate option. i would be taking a break from school, but i would definitly be doing something productive for others, worth my while and not to mention very life enriching before i take the next step with school. im ready for something like that to happen to me. or rather, im ready to accept that i desire for something like that to happen to me.


Brushfire fairytales
Itsy bitsy diamond wells
Big fat hurricanes
Yellow bellied given names
Well shortcuts can slow you down
And in the end we're bound
To rebound off of we

Well dust off your thinking caps
Solar powered plastic plants
Pretty pictures of things we ate
We are only what we hate
But in the long run we have found
Silent films are full of sound
Inaudibly free

Slow down everyone
You're moving too fast
Frames can't catch you when
You're moving like that

Inaudible melodies
Serve narrational strategies
Unobtrusive tones
Help to notice nothing but the zone
Of visual relevancy
Frame-lines tell me what to see
Chopping like an axe and

Maybe Eisenstein should just relax

Slow down everyone
You're moving too fast
Frames can't catch you when
You're moving like that

Well Plato's cave is full of freaks
Demanding refunds for the things they've seen
I wish they could believe
In all the things that never made the screen
And just slow down everyone
You're moving too fast
Frames can't catch you when
You're moving like that
Slow down everyone
You're moving too fast
Frames can't catch you when
You're moving like that
Moving Too....
Jack Johnson: Inaudible Memories

she gets restless easily

especially with the color.

i logged in and it took me exactly one 1/7 of a split second to decide that the purple layout was overdue a change. but im feeling lazy and just grabbed one up that was premade instead of changing up the colors myself.
y
kind of like how i am restless with my room. i tried to change around the furniture but i am not sure yet if its working for me or not. theres not enough room for the spare mattress to hang out on the floor, at least comfortably. i can now get onto the loft without lugging my banana colored chair over to use as a stool. or at least thats the plan. i havent tried it yet. i remember when it was in karries room back when we lived in the stringer dorms, i couldnt pull myself up onto her loft, but that may have been just because i was a wee bit afraid of it and its height, i think im past that spot now.

im currently taking a break from being frustrated with course offerings at AU. i had my whole next year planned out for goodness sakes!!! why cant they cater to my needs?! but seriously i sat down and decided what classes i wanted to take to finish out my time here, and now that i get to look at whats offered, its all jumbled up. i dont want to take organizational psychology, its just not appealing to me, and theres only one other psych class being offered that i havent taken [personality psychology] and of course, its time interferes with the lab for the physics class i have to take. oh and oh joy.... i get to wake up every single ridiculous morning for an eight oclock class. im not very pleased about this as you may be able to tell. there goes my goal of getting a bike to ride from our apartment to class each morning, im not seeing bike riding as opposed to extra sleep as the more attractive alternative at the crack of dawn each morning. unless i become radically motivated over the summer.

another thing thats bothering me this evening is that i dont have any music on my computer. this is very frustrating. the radio is getting a bit overdone. well, i felt that way since the first night, but thats beside the point.

looks like overall im feeling pretty pessimistic this evening. but thats okay. because even though i have a lot of work to do tomorrow and im NOT looking forward to it... tomorrow night im going to go over to karries where we will watch teenage mutant ninja turtle movies... why?...so that we can go see the big screen movie on tuesday duh!!!!


I hope this old train breaks down
then I could take a walk around
and, see what there is to see
time is just a melody
With all the people in the street
walking fast as their feet can take them
I just roll through town
And though my window's got a view
Well the frame I'm looking through
seems to have no concern for now
so for now I

I need this
old train to break down
oh please just
let me please break down
Jack Johnson: Breakdown