she doesnt mind that shes not 'that kind' of girl

practically every male that i have come into contact with at work makes me ill. maybe i am living in my own little pea pod about life being here at anderson, but if this is what the rest of the world is like then it is just rediculous and im not so sure i want any part of it.

i havent had a boyfriend in a good while, and i can't say that i am loosing any sleep over that fact. i have become content with being single (for the most part) and definitely am not in search of some sort of attention from the opposite sex. i have to admit that this is not the first thing i think of when i wake up in the mornings or when i am deciding if i want to wear makeup or picking out my clothes for the day, its probably the farthest thing from my mind.

a combiation of things have made me start to think about this tonight. for one, i had a terrible experience with a table last night. i had a miserable section as it was and later in the evening a group of guys came in. they got put in a male servers section and they asked him if they could get a pretty female server instead. the server asked me first (which okay i will admit was in a way a compliment) and at first i thought no i dont need that, but then i thought what the hey, im not making much money tonight as it is. well.... i definitely get to the table and it is written across each one of their faces that i am not the girl they want. i should have just said hey if you dont want me i dont want you but i continued to serve them. in hopes of inspiring a good tip by my excessive filling of drinks and jabs at fun conversation. none of which went over well because they just looked at me like i was annoying them. to make a long story short, one guy must have felt bad because he left a decentish tip and the rest MIGHT have left five dollars between them. i was not very happy. also at the fact that they jabbed at my sensitive ego. when i complained one of my friends at work (whom okay happens to be a guy) was quick to point out to me that i should have known what kind of girl they were looking for and i just didnt look like that kind of girl.

that and other things... that always happen at work(and yes it dawns on me that this is really the only regular interaction i have with people outside of my immediate environment)... make me wonder if i am really ready for life outside of this little shell of existence i have built up. i know i can do it,but the question is how well can i do it. how do you interact with people, when you have and are working on your own moral attitudes/priorities/standards that dont agree with the way they feel? the ones that outright do the things that they may agree arent exactly good for you but they advocate doing it anyway. and i realize that im at a point where i dont do things because i grew up learning that it was wrong, i dont do them because i know for myself that its not what i want for myself and that as a christian i need to hold myself to certain standards that i want to stay loyal to. how do you tell someone that without outcasting yourself and making yourself seem like a prude; thus inevitably making things harder on yourself because you dont fit in with the group? i dont want to make them think im judging them or that i think im better than they are because i dont do drugs or go get drunk every night or go have sex with whomever i want, but i dont want them to think im nonchalant about it either.

but i suppose that this is the sort of thing christians have been dealing with all along isnt it, in more or not so many words.

I better rest my eyes
Cause I'm growing weary of
This point you've been trying to make
So rather than imply
Why don't you just verbalize
All the things that you're trying to say

Thought this would turn out so well
But I'm beginning to see
That instead it's trouble
Into a pattern we fell
Of prolonging the inevitable

Why don't you come right out and say it?
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say (come right out and say)
What it is you're thinking
Though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear
Relient K: Come Right Out and Say It