she gets confused for southern.

but it must just be because shes so sweet... hehe.

so im participating in this flu study vaccination research... because i am a poor college student and they pay you. its a pretty sweet situation really. i got a shot and had a fifty fifty chance of either getting the placebo or the new flu shot. the only annoying, but pretty simple, thing i have to do is tell this 'call center' each week whether or not i feel sick. this morning i got my weekly call, which always comes while i am in class so i always have to call them back. would say thank goodness its an 800 number except i have a cell phone, still uses my minutes so it doesnt help me out any.
so, im on the phone with this lady and i really dont have to say much, just enough so she can figure out my identity. and before we hang up she says "and i can really tell you are from south carolina" it caught me off guard, ive never been told that before [perhaps because everyone knows im not from here, she saw the address and assumed] so, since i said very very few words, and ones that really wouldnt pick up any dialect at that; im deciding that she picked up on my innocent personality since i called her ma'am. lol

in other news; i had a near epiphany experience the other night [while i was brushing my teeth] about this tattoo idea. i had kind of been shrugging it off lately because i couldnt make up my mind and i was being too indecisive so i decided it must not be the right time. so. i figured out a word. i figured out where i want it. and it has a pretty enormous amount of personal significance. so im thinkin this one is a keeper. [i wanted to leave at one in themorning and go get it, too bad writing a paper was holding me back; oh and the fact that there wouldnt have been a shop open.] so the word is: grace. coming from the first part of 2Corinthians 12:9. of which says "My grace is sufficent for thee". so im wanting the greek form of grace. maybe about a half inch tall, inch and a half long, on my -left- wrist.
i had been feeling not so great lately and it reminded me of what i went through in high school. all that mess and the stuff i brought on myself. and i thought you know, it doesnt matter. because no matter how big i screw up, Christ is right there to say, youre not perfect, im perfect. and i may not be able to measure up to being anything near worthy of Gods love, but Jesus steps in and says you know what... i got you convered. and man thats a good feeling. so thats the significance of putting it on my left wrist. becaues there are all these scars there, and it may still be a little bit of a sensitive subject for me, but im not embarrassed by it.
mind you no way am i condoning what i did to myself or am i saying that im glad it happen. im only reminding myself that ive been forgiven. and ive accepted that its part of what makes me Julie.

this morning the lyrics have been derek webb. sometimes it takes me a little while to get into a band. i will buy a cd and set it aside for three weeks or longer, then eventually pick it up and listen to it for a month straight. appraently i just like to get acquainted with the cover first. so thats what happen with this music. sort of.

politics or love
can make you blind or make you see
make you a slave or make you free
but only one does it all

and it’s giving up your life
for the ones you hate the most
it’s giving them your gown
when they’ve taken your clothes

it’s learning to admit
when you’ve had a hand in setting them up
in knocking them down

love is not against the law
love is not against the law

are we defending life
when we just pick and choose
lives acceptable to lose
and which ones to defend

‘cause you cannot choose your friends
but you choose your enemies
and what if they were one
one and the same

could you find a way
to love them both the same
to give them your name

love is not against the law
love is not against the law

shes a vegetarian, yes, but...

note to self:
you do NOT like non dairy creamer in liquid form. therefore, no matter how much the financial fairy on your shoulder pushes you toward the fifty cent price difference from half and half. dont do it!!! you know you will only regret the next ten cups of coffee, which will, inevitably.... ruin whatever morning or evening of homework you are attempting.

today... i nearly lost my temper. but, i am proud to say i held my ground. oh yeah, background info on the situation: my room has ONE small window. but for whatever reason i wake up each morning for the past two weeks thinking my knees, calves, and feet have frozen off for good. so i took myself to walmart today to buy a space heater. well first i got some fabric. some really thick fabric to plaster my window with. and i got to have a nice little conversation with the fabric lady about scissors. and how you can only use your fabric scissors for fabric. [apparently the third shift employees stole her scissors and used the to cut cardboard boxes with... out of a million pairs.. they pick hers; she wasnt too happy] .. okay so maybe she did more talking and i did more listening. but, i smiled nonetheless.
but this was the end of my smiling. because then began the space heater fiasco. how long does it take to purchase one you might ask? oh about an hour. i found on that i liked. and actually it looks like the one my grandma has in her bathroom.... [that she would turn on every morning before i got up to take a shower, shes amazing isnt she?] so it made me think it would make my room feel like home, almost. anyway, theres only the display left, with the box behind it. i cant find anyone around so i go to the lawn and garden section.. .to find three lovely employees that are more interested in their conversation than my intrusion. they page someone! then... how bout this, that person never shows. so i just put it in the box then took off. not wanting to stand in like 15 minutes to figure out i cant have it, i decide to ask an employee about it. oh man... we took a trip in a semicircle around the store in search of someone then in search of more of the heater... im not even going to get into it because i can feel myself getting agitated. i nearly said just forget it. but... its a good thing i didnt. once it was all over with the man gave me ten percent off. i thought that was pretty cool of him.

oh... i guess im getting close to pushing the line on my procrastination of a paper due tomorrow... [ im refining my habits] i better kick it in gear. i dont know why i do this to myself. its like i live off the anxiety i put myself through. i think i would rather broccoli.

oh how these lyrics long for music to accompany them... [check out this band that i am more than addicted to at the moment, its pretty serious: http://www.myspace.com/theformat ]

I'll tap the break while you crack the window
the smell of smoke is making my lungs explode
the 51 is backed up and too slow
let’s tune out by turning on the radio

and oh my love you’re all I need
backed behind a frequency
they played this song an hour ago
but let's tune out
lets tune out by turning on the radio

haven’t we heard this song
about a thousand times before
oh well after awhile it all sounds the same
i guess its better then silence and better than shame

I'll tap the break while you crack the window
the smell of smoke is making my lungs explode
the 51 is backed up and too slow
let’s tune out by turning on the radio

fun fact: i listen to this song before work every weekend. seriously. it brings me peace. its probably not healthy, but i embrace it while i can.

she opts for something other than a nap?!

I decided that I only have twenty minutes to get in a -although probably much needed- nap. So it would probably be in my best interest, to just not do it. Because then I would run the risk of just not waking up, and well that would just really be a bummer. -A big bummer. Although work may not be my activity of choice for the evening, I dont think I have a say.

Top of the headlines news for today:....
I definitely was woken up this morning [ugh, an hour before I wanted to be] by a siren... which i almost just rolled over and ignored for its normality around here... had it not STOPPED outside our house. Then i hear " get out with your hands up!!!" i immediately sat up in bed, taking a second to conk my head on the slanted ceiling my loft is under. My first thought: oh my gosh there is someone in our basement. It sounded like it was behind our house. So i tore downstairs like a crazy woman. There were definitely EIGHT cars of anderson's finest outside our house on the street circled around a man in a car. We still don't know what was going on, but he was arrested and his car towed. We'll probably never know... unless, unless he was on the run from a robbery [but his car appeared empty] or he murdered someone, not that im wishing that had happen. But, nonetheless, that was a pretty intense wake up call for a sunday morning.

Insert your own happy hee haw music here:
[i think this could be my favorite song]

I’ve wandered so aimless, life filled with sin
I wouldn’t let my dear Savior in
Then Jesus came like a stranger in the night
Praise the Lord, I saw the light

I saw the light, I saw the light
No more darkness, no more night
Now I’m so happy, no sorrow in sight
Praise the Lord, I saw the light

I’ve walked in darkness, clouds covered me
I had no idea where the way out could be
Then came the sunrise and rolled back the night
Praise the Lord, I saw the light

Just like a blind man I wandered alone
Worries and fear I claimed for my own
Then like a blind man who God gave back his sight
Praise the Lord, I saw the light

When death takes me down and I breath here no more
My anthem will sound on that eternal shore
When I join with the angels in heaven on high
Singing “Praise the Lord, I saw the light”
[david crowder style]

she finds herself surprised.

to realize that the day was unexpectantly pleasant.

after a complete and total gut wrenching bottom of the polluted pit of despairingly deppressed sort of week, there was finally a break in the dark clouds. this week was truly miserable. i dont think there is even a dark adjective to describe it. i utterly despised myself this week. i hated what i was doing to myself and yet i kept living it.

i knew i was ignoring people this week, ignoring myself even. it was as though the devil [and in the heart of it i felt i was his target.... thats how wretched i felt] had spurred up these empty feelings and then i just continued into this downward spiral without figuring out how to pull myself back out all week long.

anxiety. ive learned i hate that word. its a word ive grown far too familiar with. stress is for beginners. i think i have acknowledged that ive moved past that. no more baby steps. its full fledged anxiety.

philosophy 101. ugh. that word stirs up acid in my stomach upon sight. im pretty sure its to take the credit for my discovery of the realm of anxiety i was capable of.

but thats enough of that. because today was a day of breaking free. its felt like saturday all day long. even though i had class this morning. who knows whats up with that. i even almost forgot that i had work to be a part of today. thank goodness it indeed wasnt forgotten. oh what a mess that would have been. i hate it when i forget things, especially when its about being somewhere important. people thinking you are a slacker is just no fun.

so, today; after all the self hatred and abuse i have put myself through... somehow i was able to be hopeful. it happen about midway through the day. i was running just enough minutes late to work to just make me worried i would be late, enough to make me anxious that traffic was heavy, enough to feel hurried. it was then, after i had rushed through my car and made quick decisions instead of taking too many minutes to debate the options of things like sweetened creamer or half/half and sugar for my coffee, that it dawned on me... that it had happen. my mind was clear. i felt like a huge burden had been freed from my vision. mind you the small army of a list of things ive had on my mind are probably just looming in the background, but this afternoon... was clutter free.

this evening, or late night actually, after work; i finished up the book ive been trying to read! wow.... what a dork that must sound like... ladies and gentlemen on a friday night this girl sat curled up on our couch after work with a cup of tea and a book. who would have guessed shes in college? i would have guessed a middle aged cat lady. go figure.

so i got to finish up Donald Miller's Searchinig for God Knows What. I think i liked this one more than Blue Like Jazz, but... Through Painted Desserts remains my favorite. Its been hard for me to finish this book, not because i didnt like it, but because i had so much reading to do for other stuff. By the time you get done reading, or halfway reading..., assignments for class, your eyes just refuse to follow the lines on a page even if its for your own enjoyment. So i think its taken me two months to get through this. Thats a seriously far fetch for the child that could lock herself away to read two R.L. Stine books/daily... back in the day.


Now comes the decision of what to spend my next two months neglecting then reading bits at a time... Items up for consideration include..... To Own a Dragon [Donald Miller, John MacMurray], Let Me Tell You a Story [Tony Campolo], or.. Jesus In The Margins [Rick Mckinley]

On starts this [incredibly so indecisive] girl's war; of personal decision making.

oh sad... i cant find lyrics for today. well, anyway the song has been... Colly Strings by Manchester Orchestra.