shes doing laundry in a solitary sort of way.

and its a little nerve wracking. but shes getting her room pretty clean, which could be a first significant attempt.

tonight i am alone in the house. in this big ol house! its a little scary. but i am attracted to it a little as well. ive found myself watching hard core chick flicks in between doing loads of laundry and sweeping my room. i should probably go to sleep soon, but im toward the end of the laundry streak and i hate to stop things before they are done. like books, when i read a book for a class i like to just sit and read it all in one sitting. or scarves. when i crochet a scarf i dont like to put it down i like to finish it all at once. most times i am forced to stop. or i tear out the majority of it the next day because its so unevenly messy. so, you know what will probably happen. in an hour i will be asleep on the couch, then tomorrow i will wake up late, having slept half the day away because i ignored my phone alarm. then i will feel guilty. then i will feel like i shouldnt even make an attempt at the day at all because thats how my ocd comes out most times. if i cant get it started the way i planned then i dont know where to begin once i do get around to it. thats definately something i need to work on.

most people just walk into class late if they ahve overslept. i.... i just dont go to class. even if its just five minutes. something in me says no. so instead of facing my most probably self inflicted humiliation of walking into class a few minutes late [im shy... i dont like to be the center of attention] i instead miss class altogether, and probably the next one too. i mean... just dig the grave a little deeper while youre at it right?

so earlier today i was thinking about life. okay lets narrow that one down. i was thinking about how in just one week two people on the outskirts of my extended family have died and their death involved either drugs or alcohol, or both. it kind of brought a little closer to reality how precious a gift each day is. and how we really should live each moment as though we wont have the next. but im not very good at that, i think its a disguise for being lazy. anyway, i immediately wanted to call a cousin whom i have some how gotten myself into some sort of awkward arguement with. i dont really know how to fix it. im caught in between trying to be an adult while being my own individual and making everyone realize that they have to accept me for who iam, and just folding over and giving in to being this person that denies the true self i want to be. argh. and to think... it all started about a tattoo. but i know it goes deeper than that. i just dont know how to fix it. and i suppose part of me is scared of the process. i guess i feel like i should be apologizing but im not real positivejust what for. because another part of me feels like apologizing would be saying okay, i will stop being myself because you dont approve of it, just let me mold myself into this politically correct christian for ya... hang on, it will only take a few minutes im sure.

wow i feel like this should be entitled "dear diary"

so yeah, ive got myself wanting to live...
with blunt honesty. [about myself, and my actions]
with sincerity and compassion. [towards others]
with joy and thanking God for another breath.
with wisdom that i can see through myself to what God really wants me to be doing with myself.

yeah - i need some serious work.

B is for believing you; always be here for me.
E is for everything, even when we see it through
C, c is for seeing through you, you are a fake,
which brings me to A because,
because, you always run away.
I never finish phrases, I misspell.
Open arms are prison cells.
When I said, "I hate what I've become"
I lied, I hated who I was.
So when you start to wonder 'bout the pain in my throat,
Well don't you ever, no never, ever, speak for someone you don't know.

shes got habits.

she has a bad habit of writing passwords down in the backs of books [she owns].

im not very sure how it happen that way. i just needed to write something down one day and well there was a book so it began. its probably not such a good habit to have. what if i lend the book out? or what if i get rid of it? then some random person knows my business. hmm, im going to have to reconsider this one.

but it probably wont change anything. because we [i] do so many things that we [i] think we [i] need to change but then dont. i guess some could argue that means our hearts arent really in it in the first place. id hate to see a list of things that i set out to do then let the idea go in the wind.

hey thats fun:

thinking of something blowing away in the wind i had a side moment of a daydream...

it would be fun to sit perhaps near water, perhaps on a dock because i found thats the most fun environment for bubbles if it doesnt conjer up old memories, and blow bubbles. but with a twist this time. to everytime you blow a bubble: name a worry that is being carried away with it.

i think im on to something here.

i think i decided this blog is supposed to be a secret. maybe because i swore to myself that i would never write one. because i thought it too naked to display my thoughts for others to read, you know, that opens an enormous door to judgement. why would someone welcome that? so i guess the next baby step is having one but not telling anyone you know? thats pretty safe right? i suppose the next action is taking this little project off the private selection then.

its funny how you can think of random things all day long then when the time comes to get anything into proof it suddenly hides behind a huge rock. thats what my thoughts/dreams/aspirations seem to do to me. and im not good at keeping a notpad withe me to write my thoughts down. that takes too much effort. so instead i just write random crap down and get dissapointed with what i come up with later. maybe thats why all my paper journals never worked out, because i would reread them and realize how dumb they sounded. hmm.

-im really into the format right now:

starting now I’m starting over

I’m gonna sleep with the next person I meet

starting now I’m starting over

you swore "together forever"

now you're telling lies

well tell me your words

they got no,

they got no concept of time tick tock,

you’re not a clock,

you’re a time bomb baby,

a time bomb, baby, ohtick tock,

you’re not a clock,

you’re a time bomb baby,

a time oh, oh, ohoh no,

was it worth it

was it worth what you did to your wrists?

was it worth what you did to big business?

was it worth what your friends put up their noses?

So, starting now I'm starting over (stop it)

Tell the new wave kids their make-up kits

Can find me where self pity gets a breath of fresh air tick tock,

you’re not a clock,

you’re a time bomb baby,

a time bomb, baby,

ohtick tock, you’re not a clock,

you’re a time bomb baby,

a time oh, oh,

ohyou set the watch,

you're just in timeoh,

to wreck my life,

to bring back what I left behind

tick tock, you’re not a clock,

you’re a time bomb baby,

a time bomb, baby,

a time bomb, baby,

a time bomb, baby,

a time oh, oh, oh

four years and you fell for a waiter

I’m sure he says he’s an actor so you’re acting like....

(you never tried to take your life)

so, starting now I’m starting over

I’m throwing bottles and

I’m taking showers

I’m going to sleep

I’m going to sleep so,

starting now I’m starting over (stop it) well,

starting now I’m starting over (stop it)

to play the game,

get even,

act my age tick tock,

you’re not a clock,

you’re a time bomb baby,

a time bomb, baby, oh

tick tock, you’re not a clock,

you’re a time bomb baby,

a time oh, oh, oh you set the watch,

you’re just in time to wreck my life,

to bring back what i left behind tick tock,

you’re not a clock,

you’re a time bomb baby,

a time bomb, baby, oh

tick tock, you’re not a clock,

you’re a time bomb baby,

a time oh, oh, oh Oh no,

was it worth itwas it worth what you did to your wrists?

she is tired.

and she likes to write in non caps. whatever thats called.
and she is discovering that shes started writing in sentence fragments quite frequently and WORD is failing her. at least thats where those seven points went in her last paper.

i am tired.

if i go to bed now i can get a proposed seven hours of sleep before nine oclock comes. thats the time i set for myself to wake up. not because i have to be somewhere, but because i need to stop being a slob. i sleep in late every chance i get.

but alas, here i am starting a blog! that was unexpected. it probably wont last very long, and thats not being pessimistic thats being realistic. eh, its better here than wasting paper like i usually do. yeah, not wasting paper with my becoming a tree hugger self. i dont think i even really know what the true meaning of a tree hugger is. i want to bet that i dont really fit well into the definition. but other people probably beg to differ.

hmmm. okay im done.

and-

i love this song. i think its the guitar though because when i read the lyrics its just not the same.

And when I see you
I really see you upside down
but my brain knows better
it picks you up and turns you around
turns you around
turns you around
If you feel discouraged
that there's a lack of color here
please don't worry lover
it's really bursting at the seams
absorbing everything
the spectrum's a to z
This is fact not fiction
for the first time in years
all the girls in every girlie magazine
can't make me feelany less alone
I'm reaching for the phoneto call at 7:03
and on your machine
I slur a plea for you to come home
but I know it's too late
I should have given you a reason to stay
given you a reason to stay
given you a reason to stay
given you a reason to stay
this is fact not fiction
for the first time in years