she laughs at their rationalization.

at work.... im not sure how people perceive me. i number 1: try to stay OUT of everyone elses business, in restaurants there is so much drama that goes on with the staff that it is absolutely ridiculous. and i could really care less to be honest. i try to tune everything out, if i listened to half the conversations that went on around me i am for sure that it would have an effect on my stress levels not to mention well being, and i dont need to ask for any more of that than necessary. ive noticed that with the kitchen i have developed the reputation of the quiet girl, i think the majority of them like me well enough and they are always telling me i need to get louder. they know that if they ask me anything i will generally have a conversation with them, but i dont usually have much to talk to them about. the rest of the servers, im not real sure about, well at least a few of them anyway. im not very good at reading the opinions on their faces. especially since a couple of the appearingly roughest people there are probably the ones i would trust the most.
i like to think that they think of me as mysterious. ha. im trying to work on not letting things just run past me. well, let me explain that. i know i dont have a lot in common with the people i work with. i dont go out and party all the time, or participate in much else that fills their lives that we will just leave unmentioned. i -think- they know this. but i think they just assume im a stay at home kind of person. or at least thats what the one guy thought when he asked me when i was going to let him take me out and i practically laughed in his face. we are in no single way compatible and even a blind person would be able to sense that. so im trying to work on when im in a conversation and the group is talking about stuff i dont approve of, working up the ability to make them realize that i dont agree with any of it. its reallly hard to do this. its almost like asking for trouble. becuase then they realize you arent one of them. but its time to stand up for what i believe and not just let them assume i agree iwht them without telling them one way or another.
oh yes, while on the topic of work, i had the most interesting thing happen to me last week... i went out to my car and low and behold there were baked potatoes surrounding the back of my car. my most often clueless self didnt pay much attention even though i opened the trunk to get my purse. went on home. then the next morning on my way to church i noticed it. someone had thrown several baked potatoes at my trunk! it scared me at first. and i pondered over it all day. finally i decided it was either a mistake, which couldnt be easy because my car is the only one with wv tags, or someone was kidding around with me, or someone hated me. i just cant think of anyone whom i have given reason to even be mad at me, i try to keep peace with everyone. so i decided i didnt want to make abig deal about it, and i only told one manager and asked him if i should be worried. he freaked out, and told me that if it happen again or i thought i knew who did it to let them know, and walked me to my car that night. nothing has happen since, am im not too worried about it, but im parking near the front now just in case.

[this is going to be a long post... i have some unexpected energy, not sure whats up with that]

so im doing an independent research study this semester. which has been very nerve wracking i will definitly admit. it involves a lot of research, developing an experiment, getting people to participate in the experiment, writing a paper, analyzing data, and presenting it for the class. well, thats the gist of it anyway. so im at the point where i am analyzing the data. my study was: surveying possible differences in levels of attention to detail between art and non art majors. my hypothesis being that the art majors would remember more details than the non art. so my participants got to watch an episode of pinky and the brain [ my favorite cartoon] and answer some questions about it. there actually is a significant difference in the two groups. that said...my professor approached me in another class today and told me she was taking a group to atlanta to a conferece [i was expecting her to ask me if i wanted to go because my advisor had previoiusly mentioned to me that it would be a good experience to go listen] well... she wanted me to go, but she wanted me to take my project! she was like what does that sound like to you? i said.... that sounds like somehting i would NOT want to do. she knows my inhibitions about being the center of attention to even a group of people and how much i struggle with it, so she explained to me that it wasnt the big deal i was making it out to be and asked me to consider it. she actually said to me that i had 'ownership' over my project, that no one had done that topic before and that i had done a good job on it. i was absolutely floored. and honored that she would pick me out to go. they are only taking a van full so there must not be many going. although im going to have to pray a lot about keeping my nerves calm... i went ahead and asked for the day off today at work. i still cant believe she asked me to go.

i actually got saturday and sunday off from work this weekend, which is really odd, well - i had asked off but then told them i could work it, so im surprised they scheduled me off anyway. so, to im going to try to take advantage of it. hopefully the kids [drew, bailey, and ali] will get to come over on saturday night. i thought it would be fun [actually... a lot of fun] to have them over for a sleepover. cook dinner and have a game night, maybe see a movie. take them to North Anderson on sunday morning. and then back home. plus, i have a friend that is married with a baby so it could be fun to have them over. im getting excited about it just even writing about it. i absolutely love those kids. if you are around them much you will know exactly what i mean. and this is significant, because im actually not a fan of most children. which i found cut out in stone after my experience as an after school counselor for the Y. i dont think that i want kids [im not seeing it at the moment for my future anyway, dont start with me thats just how i feel] but these kids are so amazing they make a person that doesnt want kids want to have kids. they are just that cool. oh not to mention... theres this new movie out... meet the robinsons... ithink, yheah really want to see that. they can be my excuse right? wait, i dont need an excuse. lol.
if you cant tell, im looking forward to having them come hang out with me.

since my computer was out of serives, i had been listening to a lot of the radion, without going on a tangent about how much it made me irritated with a lot of music.... well, i will just go ahead and tell you. one song after another [ i only listen to country on the radio] there seemed to be a sequence of songs that played again and again and again, it seemed like it was a toby keith war song, a sappy martina mcbride song, then something like where were you when the world stopped turning, then oh lets throw in 'one wing in the fire'. this really got on my nerves. i dont care for toby keith's songs related to the war and all the God bless America hooplah. actually, it bothers me. because we arent the only nation on the earth and the world doesnt revolve just for us and we arent any better than any other country, no matter how much more technology we have. the sappy martina songs... okay i like those, but in serious moderation. not played in sequence with these others, and over and over again. [okay so maybe they threw in 'i hope you dance' now and then too ...ugh.] and then the alan jackson. i love alan jackson. but that song doesnt do it for me. for the previously mentioned reasons. im sorry, im not trying to belittle what happen on 9/11, because it was a horrible thing, but the world didnt stop turning. and then that last song.... its in a whole other category that just agitates me. and theres my spill on the radios preference for playing country music. although i do love country music, which may come as a shock to some [karrie does to believe it or not, i think it baffles her family...although, she likes the toby songs i think... which is one of those practically infinite subjects we differ slightly on] anyway, thats a long introduction to this being my favorite new country song: [that ive heard on the radio anyway]

I was sittin' there sellin' turnips on a flatbed truck
Crunchin' on a pork rind when she pulled up
She had to be thinkin' "This is where the rednecks come from"
She had Hollywood written on her license plate
She was lost and lookin' for the interstate
Needin' directions and I was the man for the job

[Chorus]
I told her way up yonder past the caution light
There's a little country store with an old Coke sign
You gotta stop in and ask Miss Bell for some of her sweet tea
Then a left will take you to the interstate
But a right will bring you right back here to me

I was sittin' there thinkin' 'bout her pretty face
Kickin' myself for not catchin' her name
I threw my hat and thought, "You fool, that coulda been love"
I knew my old Ford couldn't run her down
She probably didn't like me anyhow
So I watched her disappear into a cloud of dust.

[Chorus]
I told her way up yonder past the caution light
There's a little country store with an old Coke sign
You gotta stop in and ask Miss Bell for some of her sweet tea
Then a left will take you to the interstate
But a right will bring you right back here to me

Is this Georgia heat playin' tricks on me
Or am I really seein' what I think I see
The woman of my dreams comin' back to me

She went way up yonder past the caution light
Don't know why, but somethin' felt right
When she stopped in and asked Miss Bell for some of her sweet tea
Mama gave her a big 'ol glass and sent her right back here to me
Thank God for good directions and turnip greens.

Billy Currington: Good Directions

she needs no more irony.

because she just doesnt welcome any more.

ive been telling myself [and others when they ask how shes doing] that karrie and i havent been able to see much of each other lately because of our work/class schedules. and then theres the intricate little detail of a fact that when she has free time im in class or at work . and vice versa.
well... how about that became more a hard reality than i am not ready to accept when i call karrie to tell her that the girl that works straight through all weekends happens to have not only a shift but a saturday and sunday off!.... only to find that the girl [we're talking karrie now] that has recently been having freeish weekends.... has, you know it... been scheduled doubles on both saturday and sunday. when she told me that, i couldnt figure out if i wanted to cry or scream. which, i suppose in a lot of cases they go hand in hand. today was such a case.

can i just state at this point that i really, undeniably, miss my karrie? this just wont do. by the time we get to hang out we will both be so frustrated by the end of our fun that we wont have any breath for words. at least this is my prediction. you see, we pick at each other because we are so incredibly different that its funny we are such good friends, so, naturally, when we havent been around each other for a significant amount of time then it looks like we are about to kill each other im sure, but no worries, those witty jabs at each others personalities are all well intentioned and as friendly as Kanga telling Rabbit that no one cares if his carrots are organic because cartoons cant eat carrots anyway. [that made a lot of hilarious sense in my head by the way but i realize it may be just some silly julie jargon... aka the stuff i make up in my head that makes perfect sense to all of..... myself and karrie cant deny that she understands it too ... which is pretty appropriate in this situation i suppose... ]

i realize this is a prime time to post a good karrie/julie picture... but alas since my hard drive decided to off itself, i dont have any pictures... nope not one. lets say i learned my lesson about keeping backups the hard way... [especially since it was the week before spring break when i had a few too many papers due... and partly written...argh.] BUT.... big time kudos to melissas dad, because he fixed my little black hole of a lap top that grabs at all my free time and distracts me from too many productive things. he couldnt retrieve my old files, but, a new one i did not have to pursue.

but... thanks to myspace and karries posting...:

representing our love for goodwill fun:

representing.....um, an average day:

and smiles:

and the award for best picture depicting the subtle differences in karrie and julie while still displaying unity in their radical friendship goes too...:
[this is one of my favorites]

Sorrow is a lonely feeling
Unsettled is a painful place
I've lived with both for far too long now
Relient K: Between You and Me

she sees relevant as imperative.

and i think i have a love for adjectives, or maybe its better to say random parts of speech. well, i know i do. even if i dont fully understand their meaning 100% of the time.

so, Relevant, is a pretty stupendous magazine that is now a pretty big highlight of my day/necessary for keeping me up to date on life. i have officially been sucked into the realm of podcasts since i figured out [or at least i think i have figured out] how to make them work. it started with a local one called Radddcast which supports local music. so far this hobby has only extended to relevant's podcast, which i searched out after reading on Donald Miller's blog that he was doing an interview on it. so of course i had to look it up, hes practically my facorite author. i mean, im reading a book mainly meant for boys [but seriously it could be applied to a girls life too, in a way] just because its the only one of his i havent read yet. you could say that im a fan.

some pretty big important news.....
i decided [or rather God decided] that im going to Peru!!!
a couple weekends ago i felt some serious conviction about not going, so i figured it best if i do what God seemed to be showing me with bright lights. i am very very excited. i just wrote my support letters this evening so i am hoping to have them in the mail by early next week. i think that sitting down to write them really made it a reality for me. and its so exciting. not that i want to sound too redundant, but it is. i am so glad that i am getting this amazing opportunity.

well, with that said ive got to get myself back to the reality of writing, a bunch, of stuff that i realllly dont want to. but ive got to get it done before the weekend gets here and i dont have the opportunity. ive got several papers and assignments due early next week. like a ten pager due monday. and a philosophy paper that is pretty ironic. just recently i remember telling a friend that i thought philosophy was pointless and that all that time could have been spent much more productively doing other things. well, you can probably guess that the topic of our new paper is to write about how philosophy is useful in this modern day. ugh. i wonder how it would effect my grade if i wrote my paper about how i thought it wasnt useful? this should be interesting no doubt.

They couldn't have told me
That it would be like this
That it could be like this
For you

I wish I would have known
That it could be like this
That it would be like this
For you

I know you're hurting
I know you're reaching out
I'm sure you wonder what this is all about
You couldn't sweat full, full words be known to you
I'm sure you feel it
You know I feel it too

Sometimes the hardest things in life
Are the things we have to do
And even when we feel it's right
I never want to hurt you

It's never simple
Deciding what should be
There's still a void here
When you're an absentee
You could be angry
But you're a bigger man
We know you'll make it
Never forget to stand

Sometimes the hardest things in life
Are the things we have to do
And even when we feel it's right
I never want to hurt you

You have always been
You always will
You have always been a part of me
You have always been a part of me
You will always be a part of me
You will always be a part of me
You will always be a part of me
You've always been a part
the julianna theory: the hardest things

she loves that towel.

and brushing her teeth.

i wonder how many random things we think of throughout our day that we dont even realize. or how many small movements or habits we tend to without acknowledging them with our memory. or maybe rather i should say i really wonder how many i could account for each day. or furthermore, how many thoughts.... thoughts we disregard for one reason or another, not being impiortant enough for us to think significant, or just such a reflex that we overlook them. kind of like saying hi and how are you doing to a friend that you meet. its a reflex. and often times it just comes out of our mouthes before we have even thought about it or really realized the depth of the question we just asked someone that based on our relationship with them will answer accordingly. most likely they will just shrug off the question with a 'good and how are you?' just like we answer the questions ourselves. but i wonder... i wonder what would happen if we stopped asking habitually formed questions out of convenience, as well as answering just the same, and started asking questions or greeting others intentionally.

intentionally. thats a pretty strong word. webster defines intent as "firmly fixed or directed upon a object, earnest" to me, in this context, i see it as something sought after, something with a purpose behind it. hm, thats an interesting thought. to think about being in conversation with someone whom is intent on you in that moment, that behind their words lie purpose, that how has your day been doesnt just mean a quick grab at conversation to them but something more, and you have the feeling that their sincerity attached to their investigation is somewhat able to bring you a peace, a small step toward peace, but nonetheless a step. because someone is sitting on the edge of their seat waiting to hear what is going on in your life and whether or not your current life situation is being good to you or threatening. and knowing that they want to encourage you or stimulate you to your personal greatest in whatever form it comes, and that they want to do this, as though they feed off of it, because they love you for your individual person, and they dont judge you, because its not about hearing what they want to hear its about hearing the truth and letting you express it, and doing this without expecting the same indulgence in return.

wow, i want to invite that person over for dinner.

but seriously, it would be pretty amazing to see someone in the middle of the day and while in conversation with them you feel like they woke up that day with the purpose of speaking to you. wouldnt it?

post script: that wasnt meant to get so intense. seriously, i started out just wondering why i was randomly in love with this specific towel. haha... yeah, as crazy as that sounds. because while i am in the bathroom brushing my teeth i think of some really random stuff, (that gets forgotten as i leave the doorway) which apparently only stems to even more really random stuff.

i am always in wonder about why i cant love myself less and love others more, and leave judgement in the closet. or the basement, i think thats a better place for it. lets leave judgement in our big scary basement.



Thou lovely source of true delight whom I unseen adore
Unveil Thy beauties to my sight that I might love Thee more
Oh that I might love Thee more

Thy glory o'er creation shines yet in Thy sacred word
I read in fairer brighter lines my bleeding, dying Lord
Oh my bleeding, dying Lord

'Tis here whene'er my comforts droop and sin and sorrows rise
Thy love with cheering beams of hope my fainting heart supplies
My fainting heart's supplied

And ah too soon the pleasing scene is clouded over with pain
My gloomy fears rise dark between and I again complain
Oh and I again complain

Jesus my Lord, my life, my light, oh come with blissful ray
Break radiant through the shades of night and chase my fears away
Won't you chase my fears away

Then shall my soul with rapture trace the wonders of Thy love
But the full glories of Thy face are only known above
They are only known above
Jars of Clay: Thou Lovely Source of True Delight

she's finally a server.

and yes i prefer server to waitress.

its taken long enough, but finally im doing what i was hired on at fatz to do in November. i agreed to hostessing since i would be leaving for break in December but its now March!!! last week was unbelievably insane as it was time i had rearranged my schedule so i could go in everyday to train. thankfully they didnt take that as a clue to start scheduling me through the week, that, i dont think i can handle right now. although, if i had read the updated schedule [which i wasnt aware had been posted] i would have worked ten days with two doubles thrown in straight through. they redid the schedule after i looked at it so i wasnt aware that i had to be there.... it was all good though i didnt get in trouble. they knew it was their fault for changing it after it had been posted.

in other news... this past monday was such a good mail day. this past week actually. i mean... really... good job family. monday was like whoa! there is nothing better than walking out of the post office with a package and a few cards. neighbors and friends from church sent me cards this week (three different ones actually) grandma sent me a letter with her cocoa recipe in it [if you dont know what kind of cocoa i am talkinga bout.... you are seriously missing out, like you dont even know] mom sent me sushi plates! and aunt kay sent me cookies!!! it was really a good mail week.

although... the cookies, ha, funny story. they happened to arrive on a day that i/some friends were exploring the realm of fasting. it was our [or at least my] first time and i got to the post office and saw the name... i thought argh... temptation really abounds. i didnt even open it wedensday. well, i mean i opened the box to get the card but i didnt even go near the cookie container. i knew better. speaking of fasting, i really recommend it. it was such an awesome experience. i dont think i can quite describe it. but... it just ... in a sense, heighted my senses. the girls and i got up together and prayed/read Bible/encouraged one another that morning then we fasted breakfast and lunch then got together for some alone time for dinner. it really was an incredible experience. i highly recommend you give it a try. something else that occured to me while we were taking part in it is... you know, just like prayer is a gift from God, so is fasting in a sense. yes its true our body needs some food, but in the US where obesity rates are off the charts, we consume waaayyy more than we need. and its such a privelage to be able to set aside that fleshly desire and instead focus on dependence upon God. if only we thought of God as often as we considered what our next meal was going to be. i know i would be a lot better off. it seems such a privelage to me because... there are so many people in the world that cant afford to skip a meal that they have come by, because they dont know when their next one will be. but thankfully, i have never had to worry about that.
*oh, and ps... please dont think i am trying to advertise our partaking in this challenge. keeping in mind the verse in the Bible about [i cant think of the concordance at the moment can you?] not doing it for attention. which is not what i want to accomplish here, all im saying, is you should try it yo. it will rock your face off.

while i am on the subject, something else that has been really enlightening for me, is something really simple that i had to take a second looks at and think huh... yeah duh that makes sense why didnt i realize it before? i would be talking about kneeling when you pray. seriously. for example, when i first think of knelt down on your knees prayer, i think of an alter call at the end of a sermon during church. but what if we experienced it in the realm of a closed off room while having a serious intimate conversation with God? well... just let me tell you... it was straight up amazing. i gave it a try last week. and really, maybe its just me and its one of those moments when a thought everyone else gets finally dawns on me, but ... i loved it. i have so much trouble concentrating on things anyway and lets just face it, when we pray in our beds before we fall asleep how often do you think you find yourself fallen asleep and woken back up in the next morning before you got to your amens? i mean... im speaking from personal experience here. i know ive done it before. more than once. which im not proud of. but when i set everything aside, and put my knees to the floor... it was such a radically different experience. it really was so much more intimate, and very humbling, not to mention i could concentrate so much better. so... this is another thing i highly recommend for those of you living in the dark as i.

so i happen to run across this picture... hehe... its from the night diana, sophie, and i slept in a car in atlanta outside the REI store, waiting on their scratch and dent sale the next morning. hey, we didnt sleep on the cold concrete okay? [like most others whom were a little more hardcore] we slept in the car, diana made a cocoon in the trunk which she and i slept in and sophie across the front seat. it was quite an experience let me tell you.
and..... karrie and i got our tattoos last weekend!!!! it was a blast, we took a couple other friends with us, one of whom was good friends [and recommended] the guy that worked on us. and truthfully... it didnt hurt. it felt like a hard pinch. thats about it.

karries: transformed [in hebrew]

i think karries was a little more painful than mine.

julies: grace [in greek]

2 Corinthians 12:9

i hear you say 'lifes for the taking, im just tired of faking'
so one more dance the winds growing stronger
we cant get past the sins of our fathers
they dont, they dont sin as well
and oh my word the seasons are changing
the leaves turn thus rearranged the colors i loved
the only ones i care to see
and oh my stars you dont need a reason
to hop on a train and tell me your leaving
for winter, you might not return

austin crane: sins of our fathers [awesome local artist....check his stuff out you will like http://www.myspace.com/austincrane]