she misses the girls that graduated and went on with their lives!!... desperately!!!

she recommends no all spice

at least when it comes to coffee.
im not kidding.
and yes i tried it.

last week (or so) i overheard (what i get for eavesdropping... although they were right next to me having open conversation to its not like i was really eavesdropping, thats only when you are listening really hard specifically right? i wasnt specifically listening really hard) these girls discussing ways in which they give their bodies much needed jolts of caffeine. i do recall: "i usually make really strong coffee with allspice" so...statement got logged away and later at an inconvenient time i couldnt get it out of my head. so i bought some allspice. i think you might be anticipating what comes next. maybe i could have looked online for some sources saying that allspice for whatever reason increases your ability to take in caffeine or... something anywhere near relevant on the positive side.. anyway i mixed the allspice with the sugar before i placed it in my steaming coffee cup. despite the gritty taste...and the fact that my tongue went numb... it actually wasnt so bad.
until physics class. (physics just because thats the class i was headed to, not because its physics, because its class at 12:30) and it hit. it completely made me sick. weirdest feeling ever. i think.
well maybe not. there was that one time at the halloween party at school in the first grade that i stuck my hand in the mystery bowl... that was weird.
it eventually went away but... my tongue/throat area are not doing very well at the forgive and forget with me right now.

she officially starts the preparation

the library is an eerie place at night.
but the internet cafe at our apartment place is even eerier.
well, the library is just not fun at night, can't get much done because of other's study techniques including taking frequent laughing fests usually accompanied by physical interpretation. i can usually avoid being distracted by this if i take something to listen to... but that never works out because i think i am part of the whatever% of the population that standard ear phones dont work for. i may be able to keep a scarf on my head for a limited period of time but i sure cant keep tiny speakers spouting comfort music in my ears.

i was trying to get my peru application finished up tonight, which i thought to be a small task. then i got to the personal testimony part. and well, you know how sometimes i have a lot to say even when i don't think i do?...

but nonetheless i am so excited. each small step makes the experience feel that much more real.
and that makes my heart happy.
no matter how much havoc the rest of my life is in.

and im bringing back the lyrics if not for just one night:
(this is what i think is part of All We Know by Austin Crane, whom I was listening to tonight when I was having a mental breakdown over having two tests tomorrow and physics in general. physics makes me feel very broken. anyway, when this part started up it was one of those epiphanyish moments for me, and i put down the physics book [i was mid studying and trying to sift through my utter confusion] and started on the peru application.)

I looked up just to see if you cared

I felt the sunlight illuminating the air

And I knew that we weren’t alone

Its never gonna go

Were saying praise the lamb

Who was dead now risen

And I am alive

Once dead now im forgiven

We’ll be shakin off our shoes

And runnin through the streets

Yellin wake up your windows everywhere we meet

And maybe fire will fall and we wont need legs or feet

Or will the credits just roll

As we admit the defeat of our plans

We’re not as strong as we hoped well

We give to confusion its all we know

consumption by distraction

Completely distracted. This is the fashion I have been about life as of lately.
Im not sure why, or how to nip it.

Scatterbrained. Too many tasks at hand.
Cant focus on one. Cant even get the motivation to start.
Then once the start is just barely brushed and a book has been opened--
more blanks.
Now what was it I was doing?
I dont really have enough time right now, put it off for the morning. Then
sleep in. Then work so no choice. Oh wait theres a test coming.

Comes often enough to effect daily life.

Goes often enough to wonder if it was really happening anyway
and to get confused with are you sure youre not just
living the description of lazy
and ever heard of senioritis?

You just need to focus.

Focus.

On only one subject! And dont worry about the rest. Thats hard.
Actually pretty near impossible, seemingly.

Organization is key. Stop being so tired all the time.
Stop reaching for the planner.
the planner isnt going to get anything done for you.
And neither are the to-do lists.
Yeah the recycling needs taken out.
Yeah you need to call those people.
But isnt this important? Why cant you focus?

You know youve got that thing later.
You know there will be people there, several.
Just suck it up and go, it would be good for you,
you may regret being there.
But you will be glad you made yourself go when its all said and done.
Wont you?
Well, there go your nerves.

Then there are the headaches.
Shiatsu only gives you bruised palm muscles. Acetaminophen only makes your neck feel tense. And caffeine? Dont even go there, youve had the three cups (one before each obligation) for the day.

Out of time now.
Where did it go anyway?

she finds frustration

in the word post office.

if you know me very well you know that i have in the past had issues with the post office. never have i had what i would honestly call a sincerely good encounter with this place of mail distribution. usually due to poor attitudes and the absence of the desire to help the customer in obvious need of i dont know what im doing and why cant you mail a package with duck tape on the box help.

well, today was no such luck for being different. although, i will admit that the fault lies on my own two shoulders. i woke up at the crack of dawn this morning to make sure that i got to the post office at school by 7:30 so i could get some very special small packages into a few unsuspecting mailboxes. i had high hopes of a good experience as the anderson university post officer employees have never let me down in my three and 1/8 years. determined that this experience was going to set the pace of my day i went for the gold, make it there by 7:30? check.

.. and well, they werent open. you can now feel the depressing realization of disappointment in your chest as i did in that moment i imagine. but, it was not their fault at all you see. it was a fault of my own due to my lack of ability to pay attention to detail, well, either that or by very poor memory, both are likely suspects. because right there posted in bold print outside that gray metal 'shield' guarding the post office 'hole'... was a sign with bold print stating the hours of operation... beginning with an 8 and ending with a 30.

i just thought you should know.

shes literate... most days

there have been few and more so on the non creative side of posts lately and for this i am sorry. all i can say is my reasoning is that ive been a little on the stressed out side and i would rather not use this for venting. it probably wouldnt have made any sense but looked more like mere aimless jibber jabber, so ive spared you really. for this you should be thankful.

but for the fact that its the first of september and im making a few goals (i.e. :calling those family members and friends that probably think im dead, (except that mom is probably tired of hearing from me -she was the reciprocal for my frustration the two weeks past) getting a better revamped attitude for my science filled class load this semester, and getting a better record of my expenses) for myself for the start of a new month... i see it only fit to start it off with a post.


guess who took a night off from work last night? yep... and it was splendid. working every weekend each year adds new meaning to a free for whatever you want to do friday night. i had actually planned the day off a month ago, so karrie and i could go to a coffee shop in spartanburg and listen to heart happy music. i wish we could do that once a week. i think it would truly be worth it. theres something about just sitting in an underground coffee house with friends while you listen to live music, thats hard to explain yet unmistakably healing.
we may have gotten a little lost, because apparently there are two church streets in spartanburg. one (that we needed to be on) that is downtown where everything happens and another that is about the length of a football field -and nowhere near where you think your body should occupy. although on this church street you will find cowboys. or at least the attire. so since we got a little sidetracked we missed out on the first segment of music by austin crane which saddened me greatly because i am a big fan. but we definitely got to hear mr mike mewborne and his "manly few"of mikey mew and the lovely few this of course was worth the trip. taking more trips like that would be more beneficial to my health i am sure of it.

ah, back to the literacy notion.
other than the many books demanding scholarly attention from me for my science filled classes this semester which i refuse to list here because i am sure you really have no desire to know what they are anyway...
im scattered across a few books trying to read them. although i really have little time to spare to properly spend with them, i find myself practically running to them because just like being at the coffee shop last night or even going to the gym, the books provide a sort of escape filled with calm, so as often as i can fight a headache off, instead of taking a nap i sit down to read. although im not sure if dipping into a few at a time is really the best approach i can justify it...
1. The Screwtape Letters i cant tell you how long i have had this book and how many times i have picked it up to read it and not gotten through it. its a little hard to read, not because the reading level is too hard but because theres just so much in each little letter. so you see its necessary to take breaks. and i take breaks with...
2. Praise Habit Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi this being by David Crowder, and you know i cant deny that i was drawn to it by the sheer fact that it has sushi in its title. and then there's
3. Captivating i started this book back in the summer and unfortunately was not able to finish it. because i used the library system and as i was in west virginia... had to return it before i was done because i moved back to south carolina. but i got my used copy via amazon (which is a serious addiction for me... buying used books from this site , ingenious) this week so of course ive started on it too.
after agreeing to disagree last night over the fact that we didnt see eye to eye about how significant the book Through Painted Desserts by Donald Miller was to our lives a friend told me that we got out of books what we put into them. that our experiences and needs in our current situation would make the book we bury ourselves in either a good read or a bad one (in not so many or more words) this made a lot of sense to me. and as i feel very scattered over my life right now... im more than okay with experiencing three different books along with it.